*starts the computer recording, walks about room, picking up*

( Personal Log, Authorization Omega Delta Blue )

Repairs suck. My internal clock gets all thrown off, because of the whole lack of sleep, just keep working no set shifts thing. I've just been working and working and working. Took a couple breaks to shower and change after getting too dirty.

Break one, ran into Hayes.

....

Yeah.

Break two, met up with Jon in the Cap'n's mess, talked, actually ate something for a change. Got a mini-promotion. I'm officially first officer. That's kinda cool. I'm thinking of bumping up a few of my officers to help with the load.

The repairs, however much they may suck the proverbial big one, are coming along nicely, even ahead of schedule. That always seems to happen. I won't question it. Don't want to jinx it.

...

I should check in on Liz. I haven't really talked to her in a while, I'm kind of worried about her. A while back, couple weeks maybe, I was walking past sickbay and found her plastered all over Phlox, who was plastered all over her right back. I tried to get her attention, even grabbed her hand, but they just kept walking. Don't think either of them realized I was there. Maybe they were drunk or something, I don't know. Haven't really had the chance to think about it all that much, or contact Liz, with the goddamn EX and all.

...

Maybe I'll contact her tomorrow.

*is in own quarters, getting antsy*

*sighs*

I hate being on restriction. It's getting damned annoying.

*fiddles with PADDs, already all caught up on reports, requisition orders and the like*

....

What the hell?

*hears boots pounding down the hall, sounding oddly in formation*

*gets up, walks to door, puts ear against it, hears muffled shouting*

*lets the sounds pass, then cautiously opens door*

*looks down the corridor each way, sees someone standing at a junction, back to him*

What the fuck?! That's an Imperial uniform!

*ducks back into quarters quickly, thinks*

*pokes head back out, Imperial still with back to him, slowly moves out into corridor, moving to the access shaft across from his quarters*

*climbs in quickly, moving to a supply locker a deck up*

*reaches it, grabs a pistol, makes sure it's charged*

*climbs back into shaft, heads toward bridge*

Sorry, Mal.... gotta try to help..

*Tanner's off to see Linnis, didn't really say why, but has a feeling*

*enjoyed his time with Renara, but needs to get some work done, so left her with a harried looking ensign who'd apparently been looking for her*

*tinkers with circuitry, running wires from chunk to chunk, making connections with various parts, working towards the main data storage and 'brain' of the device*

*glances at a PADD given to him, supposedly so he could continue making log entries like a good senior officer should*

*is hesitant to trust it completely, doesn't know if anyone else could actually read it or not, or if it really is private*

*continues working with circuitry*

*sighs, puts wiring down and grabs PADD*

*brings up basic log programming, scans the code, looking for markers that would send it to a main storage unit not designated for him or Tanner*

*doesn't spot any, but just to be safe, adds a section of code to be sure of privacy, adding in own authorization code as lock*

( *starts log* )

continued from here.

*walks down the empty corridors toward quarters, arm wrapped around Hayes, thankful for the emptiness of the corridors, but finds self wondering if he would care if they passed someone*

*arrives at quarters after a walk in comfortable silence, keyes in code, doors open without a sound*

*they walk in*

*disentangles self from Hayes, walking over toward closet, unzipping and shrugging off uniform*

Make yourself at home.

*came down after Gamma Shift after the first few days had passed, was pretty quiet during the shuttle ride down*

*had found a nice little spa like resort, out of the way, quiet, good place to be alone for a little while*

*feels the need to be away from people for a bit, think the last few months over, figure out a way to make things right with everyone involved.... in every setting*

*maybe just not think about the ship for a while, leave it in the capable hands of Hess, and just enjoy not being around people for a change*

*arrives at the hotel after a bit of a hike, checks in, dumps bags in room, goes out to check out the grounds*

*wanders around, walks through the woods near the hotel, enjoying the silence of the trees and the beauty of the flowers*

*wanders around for a few hours, then heads back to the hotel*

*walks into the lobby*

*towels off after quick shower before getting dressed for party*

*pulls on his pants, straining a little at the tightness*

Oof.... it's been a little too long since I've worn these....

*grabs shirt and tugs it on over head, adjusting the tight mesh so it sits properly over chest*

*pulls on leather gauntlets, shifting the matierial over wrists and hands*

*yanks on heavy black motocycle boots*

*walks into bathroom, grabs hair gel from shelf, stands in front of mirror, looking at newly dyed hair, the tips dyed a light blond, with a few wash-out streaks of red and black scattered throughout*

*squeezes a bit of hair gel out onto palm of hand, works it through hair, spiking it just so*

*grabs the black eyeliner that Liz let him borrow, outline eyes just enough to be noticable, being very careful not to stab self in eye, as has been very long time since did this*

*walks back into main quarters, takes one last look at self in mirror*

*grins*

Hot damn, I look good.

*walks out, heading to mess hall*

*sits in office, hunched over PADD*

Stupid goddamn code... you shouldn't be this hard....

*scribbles something with a stylus*

*scrolls back through code*

*runs simulation*

*doesn't work*

*rewrites a chunk of code, runs another simulation*

*sighs as it finally works*

There. Really, shouldn't be that hard to mask a couple of initiation sequences as overhauls, really, it shouldn't.

*connects PADD to interface, uploads program to ship computer, logs it in as Tucker Delta One*

*puts PADD with copy of program into pocket for later use*

*works on a few other things for a while*

*is commed by Tanner*

So, while the Captain was 'out'.... he was able to get me schematics of the other ship's weapons, shields and other various helpful things.

This rules in ways I cannot begin to explain.

Have managed to work schematics into weapons upgrades, tied in the frequency rotation of shields to our phase cannons, so in theory, our cannons should go right through the shields. Will have to see, though. Theories don't always play out. Especially not in the Expanse.

Am working on other ways to include these specs into upgrades and defense plans, though tactics aren't something I'm good at.

Finished the foreward and aft emitter repairs, Tanner did the port and starboard. Am going to put Rostov on the weapons upgrades, he'll be able to do them just fine, and I need sleep.

...

Yes.... sleep sounds oh so very good right now.

------------------
Internal Communication to Rostov, Crewman Michael from Tucker, Commander Charles

Rostov-

New weapons upgrades schematics attached. You're in charge of them. Needless to say, they are a priority. I told Tanner to assign one of his staff to help you with this, and they're to answer to you on this. I'll come by if I can to help.

-Tucker

*clicks on PADD's voice recorder while working in inside hull, feels the need to voice thoughts*

I really hate my rank sometimes.

...

No, really, I do.

Take, for example, today. I'm crawling around the inside hull this morning in an attempt to repair the blown relays and network switches, much like I am now, when I hear a page, calling me to the bridge.

...

Needless to say, couldn't get to a comm panel, and didn't really have my communicator with me, not really in the habit of carrying it with me while I'm on board. Really must remember to do that.

Anyway, I start working my way out of the passageways so I can get to the bridge, when I hear Cutler comming me. Get close enough to a comm panel to answer her. Turns out, the Cap'n did that fainting thing again, and was currently taking up residence on a biobed in sickbay.

Oh, FUCK.

I really need to get to the bridge.

So, nearest hatch is about, oh, twenty meters away from me. Start working towards it. It's right about then that my toolkit decides to fly off the walkway I'm on, and I'm not about to leave my tools sprawled out all over the place along the inside hull. Spend about 5 minutes picking everything up. Continue working towards hatch. Get to hatch, leave inside hull.

Proceed to spend the next 15 minutes crawling through the goddamned access tubes toward the nearest main corridor. Exit access tubes feeling rather dirty and grimy, but ignore the feeling 'cause I really need to get to the bridge.

Hurry to the bridge, probably knocking over a few crewmen along the way, but not really caring at the time. Huh, can't possibly imagine why. Get to the bridge, notice Mal on bridge, which in and of itself wasn't good, seeing as how he's still on med leave. He's standing over the TacBoard, which is looking substantially different now that Tanner and I added the new shields control board in. He's obviously confused out of his mind. I walk over, and the first words out of his mouth are something akin to 'what the fuck did you do to my TacBoard'. I explain that I couldn't tell him, and ask what the hell happened and why is there another Enterprise hanging outside the viewscreen. He explains to me that those other universe fuckers found a way to bring the whole damn ship through, and were demanding to talk to someone in the command structure, which with the Cap'n out in sick bay, T'Pol who knows where, and me not found in the passageways, was Mal.

Okay.

If that wasn't bad enough, they are demanding our surrender.

Oh, so not good, I hate my rank.

They're coming over in two hours. Hah. Okay, let the fun begin.

Not.

So, they come over, and I'm getting all sorts of nasty flashbacks as they step out of their shuttle, because who else comes over than that Emperor fuck and my own ass of a counterpart.

Oh, this is so not good in any way, shape, or form.

The Emperor, who I'll call Evil Fuck from now on, is his usual smarmy self, while my counterpart, who shall henceforth be known as Assmunch in this log, is merely standing there making eyes at Mal.

Hate him more and more all the time.

So, we exchange a few not-pleasantries before heading off to the meeting room Foster set up. Along the way, I can feel Evil Fuck's eyes on me, and it's not pleasant. He makes a few nasty comments, and Assmunch is talking with Mal, but I have no idea what they were talking about.

We get in, sit, and begin talking. Evil Fuck starts off by saying if we give up right here right now, he might not blow us up.

Oh, how nice of him.

Then he just has to bring up the fact that I talked, which up until that point, I'd forgotten that Mal didn't know. I don't look at Mal, but just know that he's mentally freaking out. Tell Evil Fuck that things change, and oh look, they have. He comes up with something about how they still have 'superior' tech, and I'm thinking 'like fuck you do'. Anyway, time to move the conversation along.

I say I'm not ready to give up this ship, but I might be willing to trade supplies with him. He comes back with 'I like you, Commander', which just made me want to puke. Says that negotiations can't go anywhere until he talks to the Cap'n. Gives us 24 hours. We start heading back to the launch bay, and while we don't say much, I can still feel the guy's eyes on me, and I still don't like it.

Apparently, Assmunch walks slow, because they took an extraordinarily long time getting to the bay. He walks into the bay before Mal with this stupid grin plastered on his face, and Mal's watching him with some odd look that I couldn't quite place.

We watch them leave from the hanger bay's window, and after I ask Mal what took them so long, he says that Assmunch walks slow and leaves. I stand there confused for a moment, then leave to go back to work.

We really need these shields online and working properly.

Which is why I'm, once again, crawling around the inside hull, repairing the goddamn network switches and relays. I'm thinking of installing another buffer zone on the relays, to catch the sudden influx of power that comes with switching them on. Maybe I'll just put the buffer on the power grid connections, to moderate the power flow.

*rubs eyes with hands* And I still need to finish those weapons upgrades I started the other day. I'll stick Rostov on that, he knows what I was planning with that.

...

Despite it's occasional advantages, I hate my rank.

No, really, I do.

--End Log--

....

Waitasecond....

Lieutenant Commander?!!??

Since when?!??!!

*in bathroom, standing in front of mirror in skivvies, rubbing unshaven face thoughtfully, running finger down scar on left side of face, thinking it looks kinda cool with no hair growing over the scar, which runs down almost to mouth level*

Shouldn't take a shower before I get ready... should look a little dirty and dusty

*remembers odd looks and curious glances recieved in Engineering upon arriving for shift without shaving the last couple days, had figured that stubble would go well with costume, but didn't tell staff what costume was, despite Hess' best attempts to weedle the info out of him*

*turns to head back into main room, clothes laid out on bed, glances at PADDs strewn over desk from shield plans, then grabs pants and begins to pull them on*

*struggle*

*pullyanktug*

*finally manages to pull pants on over ass and hips, zips and buttons them*

*strips of tank, tosses it in the general direction of the hamper, and picks up shirt, a soft, worn-feeling button-up, with a faded plaid pattern and pulls it on*

*leaves top few buttons undone, tucks it in slightly into pants, leaves it kinda hanging out, leans over to grab bandana, folds it over a few times, ties it around neck*

*sits on bed, pulls on boots provided by QM, puts hat on head, stands up to pull on leather duster*

*takes one last look at self in mirror*

*low whistle* Damn, I look gooood....

*heads out door to party*

*walks to quarters after finishing installing emitters in forward section and double-checking the network connections and setting out what needs for status displays and control boards to start on tomorrow*

*notices box sitting next to door, realizes that it's costume, picks it up, takes inside*

*tosses bag and PADD on bed, opens box to peek at costume*

*grins, drops box on bed, walks over to comm panel to comm Liz*

Tucker to Cutler, you busy right now?

So.


.....


Turns out Mal... had died. On the planet, the away mission.... he died as soon as the Cap'n found him, almost like he was waiting for someone to show up....

He had so many injuries.... burn, cuts, whip marks.... it hurt just to look at him. I mean, I know that I had it rough too... but his is so much worse... mine was all mental, ...he did things to me, to my head... Mal... it was all physical, nothing to do with breaking him from the inside. This was about physically breaking him, and using that to mentally break him down. Totally different tactics... totally different results.

...

*sighs*

I have no idea how I'm going to respond to him when he wakes up. I haven't even really talked to him since... since... *sighs, can't say it* ... but I know he'll probably want to see me, make sure I'm okay... I remember him being the one who came throught the PIF for me, he was the last thing I saw before I went down on the other side... I don't know what happened, 'cause Mal's the only one who can tell me what happened right after he came through. I mean, that was the last time I saw him, I didn't even get to say anything to him... I woke up after he was gone. Funny thing is... when the Cap'n told me that Mal had gone undercover, I'd already been awake for a couple days... hadn't even wondered why Mal hadn't stopped by. Didn't even notice.

*pauses*

Have things gotten that bad between us?

That I don't even notice that he doesn't visit me?

*sighs* I'm... I'm not even sure how I feel about him anymore, I haven't thought about it... it didn't used to require thought, I just knew that I loved him. I would notice if he didn't come to visit me after I'd been injured, or I hadn't seen him around. But now... it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't even cross my mind.

I don't know where my heart stands anymore. I don't know how I feel. *half laughs* I used to always know how I felt, so did everyone else... Lizzie used to always tease me about wearing my heart on my sleeve... made me a bad liar when I was a kid.

*quietly* When did that change? When did I become so good at hiding how I felt that I didn't even know myself?

*is quiet, doesn't talk for a moment, fingers bandage on left wrist while thinking, begins to peel the corners back* Guess... guess I've become that kind of person I always hated back in the day... the kind that hid what they felt or thought... I was kinda jealous of them, they always knew just what to say, they were on the outside, they didn't get hurt....

But this hurts.

So maybe they did hurt. I know what they felt like...

They felt like nothing.

...

--End Log--

*works on PADD*

I swear I had this already.... what's wrong with this?

*pokes PADD*

*watches numbers and figures roll down screen, shakes head*

That's not right... what's going on? These calculations should be working!

*reworks calculations*

*runs simulation again*

There we go.... *ties into ship wide schematic, begins sketching out where to place emitters*

*runs a simulation on coverage overlaps*

*grins*

WHOO HOO! I got it!

Hehehe... force field emitters are so my bitch.

*tweaks settings, plays with schematics*

*feels self being drawn toward surface*

*doesn't want to go*

*light begins to pulse from beyond lids*

*hears faint noises*

*cracks eyes open, sees sickbay lights glaring above*

*turns head, groaning too softly to be heard*

*looks around gently, sees Nightnurse doing... something across the room*

*closes eyes, turns head back to face the ceiling*

*lets self sink back into the warm, comforting blackness*

.....

...if I reroute the phase inducers....

.....

.....

...bring the forward plating to bear....

.....

.....

.....

...install emitters in a spiral cover pattern along the inside of the hull.... 20 meters apart... yeah, that'll cover it...

.....

...link them all together and into a system check panel in the tac board and engineering systems check board in my office and outside the door....

.....

...yeah....


I think I got it.

Life sucks.

...

Well, maybe not most of the time, but certainly right now it does.

...

So, a lot of things have happened in the last few days. I had lunch with Mal a little while ago, and we managed to get into a bit of a yelling fight in the corridor outside of the mess hall... don't know if anyone heard, but not too sure I care. I lost my temper, and said some things that needed to be said, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Then Mal pulls out some line about how I'm "perfect" and I don't need to change, and it wasn't me.... and then... it all just hit me, and I felt so tired of it all... I just wanted to leave it all behind, just forget about all this shit that's happening, and just not think about anything at all. I left it in a bad spot, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.

...

And then Mal went and got himself injured.

Again.

Some other Spock (goddamn PIF! Damn thing's too much hassle) managed to kidnap him, and then barricaded them in Tanner's quarters, and proceeded to wreak havoc on our computer system, putting all sorts of bugs in and shit so we couldn't do a damn thing. Then he kept making comments - on the ship's comm, no less - that Mal was Captain, I was first officer, and the Cap'n was a "kept man" - at which, I shit you not, every single member of my staff turned at looked at me.

I just kept working. Ignored them, and they got the picture. A little slowly, but they got it.

So, eventually Mal was rescued, and was in sickbay. I used the fact that I had to run a set of computer diagnostics as an excuse to not go see him, for a while at least. Then I made myself go, and the Cap'n was already there. We talked for a little bit, then he let me have some alone time with him.

And you know, I was still mad at the fucker, but damn if I could show it. I just told him what I needed to say, y'know, since now he can't bitch at me about it. Told him how hard it was to see him like that. How that as long as he was happy, it didn't matter who he went to...

When I couldn't think of anything else to say, I said goodbye, and talked to Rostov for a bit, brought him up to date on what was happening in Engeineering, made small talk. Then.... buried myself in work in my quarters. Eventually, I actually ran out of stuff to do. That has never happened before. There is actually nothing I could do right now. Have to wait until shift tomorrow. Am contemplating watching a movie, but it's no fun alone, and sickbay's busy, so I don't want to bother Liz, she has enough work to do right now.

Maybe I'll just read.

Yeah, that sounds good.

--End Log--

So... I've been a little busy lately, trying to do a sweep of the computer to see if any traces of that programs were left behind, and I've always hated software, I'm no good at it, so it's taken a while, longer than I would have liked.... but....

Not too sure I mind.

Mal got hurt in the incident with that alternate Spock, or whoever he is, and is currently lying in Sickbay. I haven't been to see him, and I know I'm just using the program as an excuse, but.... it's hard to get up the courage to go down there. Still not sure how to act around him. But... I did promise to be a friend, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn't go and visit him while he's injured?

But... God.

Don't want to see him like that. It's too hard. I still love him, and I never liked to see him injured, but now, he won't come to me for comfort once he gets out. It's not me he goes to anymore. God, but I'm a selfish brat. Listen to me. Bitching and moaning about how I don't get to coddle him. I used him, and lost him, and I need to come to terms with that.

Thank God I have Liz.

She's been so good to me, and for me. Don't know what I would do without her at this point. Being with her... lets me forget all about what's going on out there, and just... lets me be me, for once. I'm not the boyfriend, I'm not the department head, I'm not the Chief Engineer, I'm not a superior officer or a subordinate, I'm just Trip. And I like that. That hasn't happened for a while. I kinda like Trip, I want him to stick around.

...

Dammit, I need to just go down there. That's it. I'm doing that right now.

--End Log--